Uh, how about normal?
After reading over my sob story and feeling bad that you have hair. Stop there. Anyone with alopecia is not going to want pity from the lucky fellas in the world who have been blessed with beautiful and healthy hair. Sure, I miss the hair that I used to have and I'd love to have it back at any moment, but I also don't want people to feel bad for me, and I know that I am not alone on this one.
Being bald is weird enough. As I speak for those with alopecia in general, we do not want people to look at us like we have some life threatening disease and you have to stay six feet away for both your safety and ours. Ew. Please don't. The last thing that we want is to feel like an outsider, and as our trial in life is more visible than yours may be, please just encourage us and help to build our confidence, just like you would to any other person. There is nothing sweeter sounding than a, "You look really beautiful today," from a stranger, or even someone you know and love dearly. As physical appearance becomes something that is constantly at the forefront of our minds, do us a favor and just be honest with your compliments. That being said, I have included a list of what not to do, and what to do instead as a means to ease your mind:
1. We don't have cancer, thank goodness, so don't treat us like we do. Instead, notice our differences and embrace them, seeking to learn more.
2. Don't give us fake compliments, if they're really obvious it'll sound like "hey, you're bald, and that's weird, and I don't feel comfortable around you." Exaggeration, sure, but just be honest and open about your thoughts and feelings, the individual you are with will help you to be more authentic. This goes for those with and without alopecia, just be a genuine person.
3. Don't stare at our lack of hair (scalp, missing eyebrows or eyelashes) we can see where your gaze goes, and it's pretty obvious if it's not in the direction of our own eyes. When having a conversation with someone who has alopecia, talk to them like you're talking to your mom. A.k.a. they're normal!! Don't make each other uncomfortable by noticeably not paying attention to the words coming out of their mouth.
4. DO ask questions to our face that you have about our condition, as everyone has different feelings and attitudes towards their alopecia, and you will never know how somone is really coping or dealing with their trial unless you ask them.
5. Don't be afraid to bring our alopecia up in conversation, chances are we don't talk about it because we don't know what you want to know. Typically we think that people are uncomfortable or feel awkward if we say anything, so encourage a conversation for your own well-being.
6. Don't ask these types of questions in big groups of people, that might just make us feel overwhelmed because we don't want to be the clown in the circus. From my own experience, a lot of people don't know that I have alopecia, and if I am confronted in a group, I feel put on the spot and somewhat attacked as I have to provide a speech for the audience. I would much rather answer questions and discuss my alopecia one-on-one, where I can register how you are reacting. So, please ask questions, but in the appropriate circumstances.
7. Don't vent about how hard it is to deal with your hair. Whether this is working out a washing schedule, having to go to bed with wet hair, or trying to curl it for hours, it just rubs salt in the wound. Rather, take a second and appreciate this miraculous fiber that grows from your skin! It's incredible!! We don't want to be treated differently, as I have stated over and over again, and we do want to have these small talk conversations like any normal person, but maybe be a little more sensitive in your complaining just to prevent awkward situations in the future.
8. Don't tell us how lucky we are to have no hair. Sure, we recognize the benefits of not having to shave, wash our hair weekly, or fix it up all nice everyday. It is nice, it really truly is. However, this is similar to the previous suggestion, and it kind of just rubs us wrong and can send us sulking. That's a personal thing that those with alopecia have to work through, but maybe just ask us how we feel about not having to shave or do our hair everyday, giving us the freedom to share how it actually makes us feel rather than feeling forced to appreciate it.
9. Don't feel like you're walking on eggshells when you're around someone with alopecia. Be open, be encouraging, be real. Don't make dumb comments, but encourage openness from this individual as well. It feels really good to have a genuine friend ask you how you're doing with your trials, in all aspects of life. This is a visible trial, so be intrigued and engaged.
10. DO feel inspired from what others can teach you, with or without alopecia. Everybody has different, valuable experiences that can open new doors of self-reflection and gratitude. Overall, just be a good and genuine person to all you meet, and chances are you will bless each other's lives in a way nobody else could have.
