The Honest-to-Goodness Best Job
First things first, I adore being a mom. If you've seen me with my Liddy Jane, it's overtly obvious. I have never experienced a more immediate sense of joy other than my temple sealing and my journey to Christ. Motherhood is by far the best calling in life I have ever gotten myself into. My sweet baby girl is definitely an earthly angel, and I can't thank God enough for her.
My main motivation for writing this post is to share how the inadequacies to take care of a living, breathing, tiny human can seen overwhelming, endless, and thicker than sludge. I look at the world and am amazed that every person started out as a baby with some form of a caregiver. As this blog specifies, I have also been motivated as I have watched the duration of my alopecia along the way, and I've learned some valuable things that are worth sharing. So, although my experience in this post may be tailored to my feelings of not being good enough because of my alopecia, the lesson can be universal to any inadequacy.
Pregnancy and Alopecia
When I got pregnant with Liddy, my alopecia was in full swing, but I was happy with where I was in my life. She was my second baby, and we were thrilled to have her coming. We had a miscarriage when I was 15 weeks pregnant previously, and that had lots of different pains and utter heartache associated, but having another baby after I had recovered from the trauma of the first was GLORIOUS.
One of the bonuses of having so much human growth hormone inside of my body from both pregnancies was that my hair started to grow back at an accelerated rate, which I hadn't experienced for years. My eyebrows started reappearing (of course in all of the places that they weren't supposed to be, definitely in plucking range...but so fun nonetheless) and my eyelashes began to grow again. I even had patches of peach fuzz on my arms and scalp as my pregnancy continued. Talk about a high point in life, when you are perfectly content to be alone throughout the day because you've got an active baby keeping you company, constantly nudging and reminding you that they exist, while also growing hair again for the first time in four years, a big deal for someone with alopecia.
Postpartum and Alopecia
After Liddy was born, I stopped wearing my fake eyelashes completely because I had enough of my own to take their place, I was elated! My makeup routine in the morning (if you could even call it that) was cut down ten-fold, and I felt more comfortable and beautiful in my own skin. I still wore my wigs every time I left the house and if visitors were coming over, but I also felt more comfortable wearing my head coverings and caps throughout the day chillin with my baby.
Although Peter and I were trying to navigate the new ups and downs of parenting, I was in such a great place mentally and emotionally, and I was even more amazed at the progress my body was making physically.
That being said, God has an effective way of constantly reminding me where all good things come from, and I've found myself studying humility all over again, just as I have my whole alopecia journey.
As Liddy has grown, learned to move on her own, and begun to show the true colors of her personality, my body has begun to break down once more.
"Break down" is a loaded phrase. To think of it visually, it sounds as if I'm a rock of some sorts constantly getting chipped away. Nah, that's not it at all. I don't feel ill. I don't feel unwell by any means. I just look it haha. At nine months postpartum, all of the eyebrows that came throughout my pregnancy have since fallen out, and we're down to three eyelashes on my left eye and about 15 on my right. I've got some patches of hair on my head still, but they're pretty measly and I don't anticipate that they'll do anything but fall out in the coming months. As I said previously, I still feel great. My emotions tied to my hair growth excitement, however, have taken a beating. My husband is the sweetest and reminds me every time I bring up my sorry appearance that he loves me no matter what, and that I'm still beautiful. He's so good to me, and such an amazing husband. However, sometimes my thick skull doesn't digest his affirmations, and despite his kind words, they only patch the pieces of my once elated self that came when my eyelashes began growing back in particular.
The Lesson
So what do we do with the sorrow that we find ourselves sinking into all over again? We turn to God and try to figure out what the heck is going on. And if that answer doesn't come, we try to figure out what we need to be doing or thinking differently.
My experience since has been profound, and it's absolutely worth sharing, as small and simple as it may come out.
An important side note, our OBGYN told me when I delivered Liddy that my body was made to deliver babies. The labor process was quick, and my body responded miraculously to everything thrown its way. Back track and fast forward to that same body who is dealing with alopecia, and all sorts of autoimmune disorders simultaneously. Geez. The human body is incredible, and in my own circumstances, my mortal Britney body is wonderful.
From the duration of my alopecia and its ever-constant presence in my life, God has taught me that I don't need some things in this life to be successful. Hair does not equal success. Even though it makes you feel more confident and capable sometimes, it's nothing more than luxury, which isn't essential. You don't actually need hair to be a mom. Sometimes it's even a blessing because Liddy has nothing to pull on (unless I'm wearing my wig, we haven't had to deal with her pulling it off yet...let's hope that day never comes). That realization has been life changing for me, as simple as it is. Hair is an accessory, and as long as I have a healthy and capable body, I have every reason to rejoice and celebrate the remarkable things it does rather than what it doesn't do.
I even had a moment of appreciation as I realized that my babies will have additional exposure to "different", potentially increasing their comfort around and ability to accept people around them who may not be the same. What a blessing, and it'll be my job to teach them the value of kindness and humility. God is so good. Alopecia is not so bad, and although there are many things in life that tend to bring out our weaknesses, we can find strength in turning to God and allowing Him to teach us on His own terms. We have so many strengths, and raising a baby has opened my eyes to see even more of the daily miracles.
