It seems like I only get around to writing once a year, if that, but I write when I feel like I've learned something worth sharing. Something that has woken me up and changed the way I view my day-to-day. So I guess I ought to be grateful that God continues to teach me in these miraculous ways, life changing ways.
The Wake-Up
With two kids now and my motherhood journey in full swing, I've had to dig deep and find what a successful mother really is made of. I've had days lately that feel so boring and mundane, watching Liddy play with her toys or follow me around the house. We make messes. We clean up messes. We eat food, spill food, smash food, spit food, cry over food, and then clean it up, just to do it all over again in a couple of hours.
When I started to find myself getting so frustrated with my toddler for eating her crackers all throughout the house leaving a crumb trail, or pulling out too many toys just to walk away from them five minutes later, I realized that I needed to change my mindset somehow, because I was turning into a very unhappy and naggy mom - to a two year old, still practically an infant, who is trying so hard to learn and gather as much information as she can to live a good life.
I learned through lots of reading that toddlers make messes...duh. I'm not sure why it took so many books. And that the mundane and repetitive days I am having are indeed creating the foundation of my children's childhoods. They're not mundane to them. What an interesting concept. I think back on my childhood and lavish in the freedom that I felt on summer days when I just got to play.
I need to actively recreate that blissful feeling daily if possible, to create a warm, secure, and cozy place for my babies to grow. And although every day brings its own challenges, the least I can do is try.
So I'm here to report that I have taken action and am learning to thrive in the quiet moments, in the messes, and in living a slower paced and more intentional life. It's necessary. I feel so much happier letting go of society's and my own unrealistic expectations to have everything in perfect order, always. I still have to get things done, but also have a front row seat to the lives my babies get to experience. A front row seat with plenty of opportunities for participation, thank goodness. I have a good amount of say in what I spend my time doing, so why not leave some holes in my day to just sit and play. The messes will get cleaned up, and I will feel happier living intentionally and more peacefully.
Finding Room For Growth
In this process of slowing down and trying to challenge my habits and ways of doing things, I've been forced to think a lot about my body and my health. They're kind of at the forefront some days.
I just had my second baby, and man was he rough on me this go-round. I've heard that our bodies just go downhill in this stage of life, and I've been determined to stay in control as to not "let myself go." As much as I can exercise or eat healthy, there always seems to be something that isn't quite where I want it to be, or I feel a little too much guilt for not keeping up on what I "ought to be doing."
As this blog has come to show over and over again, as soon as I get too into my thoughts, or into thinking about things that really are not uplifting or personality-building, my alopecia steps up and whips me back into shape. My gratitude for alopecia comes after I've had time to process things of course, and I am grateful that I come around each time because I see my internal growth when things aren't quite working on the outside.
Loving Your Body
In the same reading of books trying to educate myself on how to be a happier mom, I came across a book called You Are the Mother Your Children Need by Christie Gardiner. It sounded promising, and it was spiritually uplifting and encouraging. It helped me to once again accept my alopecia, my body, and my role as a mother. In her chapter on self image, the author wrote several things that caught my attention and helped me to leave feeling empowered.
One thought in particular taught that God gave us bodies to be His hands for His (your) own children. Why on earth would we not take care of them or love them knowing this?! Our bodies truly are gifts, and in this mortal sphere of imperfection and pain, yeah, they struggle a little bit, but they are so precious!
In my pregnancy with Graham I grew back all of my eyelashes, and about 1/3 of the hair on my head. It was incredible. I knew that I missed my eyelashes most of all of the things that alopecia seemed to rob me of, but I foolishly took them for granted as they've all fallen out again 4 months postpartum. They were nice while they lasted. And I had to shave my head last month because my hair was starting to come out in clumps again. In explaining to a confused toddler, mommy's hair was going bye-bye again.
I was sad. As I had every right to be. But I gave myself a couple of days to mourn and then tried to pick myself up again. And my husband is a rockstar and loves me unconditionally. Dwelling on pain isn't always healing, and I've learned that I bounce back best if I allow myself to really feel an emotion, recognize it, and find a reason to be grateful from it. My body still works. My eyes still function, and I can still watch my kids grow up. I don't even have to just watch, I can participate because I'm healthy enough to, even without eyelashes.
In the same book mentioned previously, another memorable quote came in the realization that we make sacrifices for our children, and we can flourish in those sacrifices. Gardiner said something along the lines of "we as mothers have scars from bearing our children, literally. Jesus Christ has scars from His Atonement. He chose to keep his scars as a perfected, resurrected being. Would we choose to keep ours?" These bodies are in an imperfect state, as my alopecia reminds me, but they are imperfect so that we have something to look forward to in the next life. They're imperfect so that we will turn to God and ask for help. If we can change our mindsets to see ourselves as God does, we're set for life.
The Gist
Overall, I'm a rookie and have so much to do and to work on. Parenting is so hard, but so rewarding. As much as I say I'm trying to slow down, I'll still get chased by all sorts of things for my time, and I have to prioritize what is most important and what will bring the most happiness to my little family.
Alopecia ebbs and flows, and it helps to keep me humble and focused on what actually matters. Our bodies are amazing gifts from God doing incredible things every day, sacrificing left and right to keep up with our expectations. The least we can do is love them. Show God how truly grateful you are for your body by thanking Him regularly, even if it's not ideal or exactly what you want, and don't try to have someone else's body by spending oodles of money. Learn to love what God gave you. And then commit to take better care of yourself. But all along the looping process, love that body and learn to love it over and over again. Let your kids and family members see you choosing to love your imperfections.
You'll find yourself having a healthier relationship not only with yourself, but with God and your loved ones.